|
|||
| Questions for No Bones? Please email Elayne with any and all pet related questions. Answers will appear in this new regular online column chock full of advice, sharing, caring and laughs. |
|||
| Spring 2001 Update |
|||
|
We recently saw your oh so funny performance in Clearwater, Fl. We are a little concerned these gender bending activities may lead
to more male traits, like laying on the couch, scratching herself
inappropriately, and above all else hogging the remote control! Sincerely, Dear Luck, Smiles, and Texas Chest Brown rfff, If that isn't the cast of an adult video I don't know what is. Either that, or you guys are riding with John Dillinger. As a matter of fact, that leg hike, backing up and squatting WAS the first Richard Simmons video, and he was never accused of "more male traits", so you probably have nothing to worry about. Come to think of it, I don't know of any woman who doesn't sometimes feel like lifting her leg on the mailbox, especially when those Victoria's Secret catalogues come around. The only horrible male trait I can think of that would be worrisome is if your boxer actually ordered you something from it. Get her a subscription to New Woman magazine, and two pairs of sensible shoes, and she'll be just fine.
Dear Elayne, I am in junior high school, and we have had a boxer for the last six years. I love him very much, but one thing bothers me. My mother doesn't let him into the living room because of the carpet. So when the whole family is watching t.v., my boxer has to lay in the cold hallway and he slowly puts a little bit of his chin on the carpet, and then a little more of his head, and after a while he is about halfway on, and then my mother sees it and yells at him and he has to start all over. This makes me very sad. Do you have any advice for me? AB in Brooklyn, N.Y. Dear AB, Don't worry, there is a very special place in heaven for people who make their wonderful and loving dogs lay in a cold hallway away from the rest of the family. It's called: Hell!!!!! Oh, tell your mom not to get her drawers in a knot, just kidding (not). I have a light pink living room rug, and herds of dogs coming through here, and I can tell you that once a year cleaning has kept it looking like new for ten years. And even if it didn't, I'd much rather have a warm loving dog to snuggle than a silly ol' rug any day. Put a blanket under your dog to protect his joints on the hard floor, and put a rolled up towel at the base of the front door to keep the draft off him and prevent arthritis. Use those commercial breaks to get up and give him some love. And let all the crooks in the neighborhood know that they can freely rob your house, that the dog won't bother them at all, just as long as they take all the loot and stand right in the middle of the living room.
Dear Elayne, I live in Las Vegas. I have a three year old Black Labrador named Buck. How did these dogs get here from the Labrador Sea? They were bred to live in sub zero temperatures and swim in ice capped waters. Needless to say, my dog suffers greatly in the desert heat. Is there anything I can do? Roberta Berk, Las Vegas Dear Roberta, Move!!!!! I know what you mean, my boxers do not like Los Angeles in the summer (they especially hate pilot season). A Black Lab in the desert sounds biblical (poetic and punishing). Since it's Vegas, with all those showgirls, there must be some really good waxers in the neighborhood. If that's too drastic, you could at least streak him blonde. It worked for Siegfried (or is Roy the blonde one? You never know with teams, do you?) If he insists on keeping his natural color and cut, brush him a lot, provide lots of shade, float some ice cubes in his water dish, walk him after the sun goes down, try to let him swim, and remember to hose him off afterwards to prevent chemical related skin problems. If none of that works, teach him poker and stay in the casinos, they have great air conditioning. By the time they realize he's a dog, he'll probably be into them for ten, twenty grand, and they'll have to let him keep playing.
Dear Elayne, My boxer wants to be part of everything. If I am sitting watching television he wants to go out and run. If I am eating he wants a bite. If I am lying on the couch he wants to play. If I am at the computer he puts his head under my arm so I will pet him. If I am sleeping he comes and licks my face. What should I do? Annoyed Dear Annoyed, You should thank God.
Dear Elayne, I would like to rescue a boxer but I live in a small apartment. Do
you think it would be cruel? How much space does a boxer need? Dear Adam, Let's see. Even a small apartment would measure about 700 to 1000 square feet. So, that's about a million more square feet for the doggie to live in than the pen in which he/she is currently being held. Plus all the room in your life? Plus those long beautiful evening walks? Nope. Don't think it would be cruel at all! Call us at 213 532 6541 for the love of your life.
Dear Elayne, My dog is about a year old (a rescue, so not sure) and very energetic and willful! I wish I had more control over her, but I don't want to "train" her because I feel that breaks their spirit and takes away all their character. Then they are just a "broken" dog. Is there any other way to get them to behave? Cindy, New Mexico Dear Cindy, Yes. Train them.
Dear Elayne, I would like to get my mother a dog to keep her company. She cannot walk much, but she lives with a lot of property and is lonely. I was thinking of a small kind of dog so she wouldn't be overpowered, but I thought a big dog would be more security for her. What do you think? John F. Dear John, I'm sorry, but I've met someone else. Oops, sorry! Every time I write "Dear John" I just have to write that first sentence. I think your idea is excellent, providing you have talked it over
with your mother and she wants a dog.
Dear Elayne, Dogs or cats? No Name Please Dear NNP, If this is Craig Kilborne, enough with the stupid quiz already. Can't you guys write a whole question? Dogs.
Dear Elayne, Do you make up the questions for your column? Julia M., Los Angeles Dear Julia, Just this one.
Dear Elayne, My dog is a bolter. If he gets out he'll run all the way up the road, and I have to chase alongside in the car until I can get him to jump in. It's like a rodeo trick. Is there any way to stop this? Shari, Kansas City Dear Shari, Well, if you can just teach him to say "Hand over all the money"
while he's running, you've got it made.
Dear Elayne, I have four lounge chairs in my backyard next to my pool. My dog always slept on the second chair, that was his chair. With so much sun beating down, I had to replace the cushions. They were quite expensive, but now I am heartbroken that my dog won't go back up on his chair. I wish I had saved the old cushion for his chair, I just never thought of it. How can I get him back on his chair? S.S., Beverly Hills, CA Dear S.S., Can I come over?
Dear Elayne, Isn't it true that "rescue" dogs are damaged in some way? Isn't that why they were in the pound in the first place? Why does anybody waste time with these when you can go to the store and buy a good, new dog? Rich Lion, CA Dear Rich, Can I come over? Okay Everybody, Time to go to the park!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Okay, time
to go to the park!!!!! |
|||
Copyright Brooklyn Productions, Inc. 2003-2006
